Let’s Talk Tantrums
Since parents often find tantrums impossible to tolerate—especially in public—the child may learn implicitly that throwing a tantrum can help him get his way. It becomes a conditioned response. “Even if it only works five out of 10 times that they tantrum, that intermittent reinforcement makes it a very solid learned behavior,” Dr. Lopes adds. “So they’re going to continue that behavior in order to get what they want.” (childmindinstitute.com)
It’s important for caregivers to be consistent in how we respond to behaviors. Tantrums are a normal part of child development for toddlers and young preschoolers. It is okay for our little people to have BIG feelings, but there are a few ground rules.
Tantrums cannot be used to avoid. If a tantrum arises from being asked to clean up. It may take longer and we need to work through the big feelings, but the mess does not disappear. Once we are ready we must return to clean up before we move on to any other desired activities.
We are still responsible for our behavior when we are upset. If part of their big feelings results in dumping more toys or hurting a friend or caregiver. Those have additional consequences that also must be addressed before moving on to a desired activity.
There are appropriate ways and places to work through big feelings. In the middle of a group activity or at the dinner table are not appropriate places to do this. Choose a place that is safe, minimal distraction, and private. If you are out in public sometimes you must be creative; step outside the store/room, move away from the playground, or find a family restroom. Often children do not have control enough to move themselves away to take a moment. Tell your child, “I see that you are very upset. We need to take a moment until we are ready. If you are not ready to move away on your own, then I am going to help you to move away.” Keep your voice neutral and matter of fact, then gently move your child to the best available space to work through these feelings.
It takes however long it takes. There is no timer, it only requires the child to regain self-control. when they are ready, your child should be able to respond to a couple simple questions in their “regular voice”. Examples might be: are you ready? Are you ready to clean up your mess? Are you ready to check on (friend they may have hurt)? Are you ready to choose something else to do? Are you ready to wait your turn? If returning to the activity or their consequences re-ignites the tantrum then that’s okay, “I can see your not ready yet, lets take another moment”
Be consistent. If you react to your child’s behavior calmly and with the same expectations, they will learn the skills more quickly. If sometimes you give-in or re-negotiate when your child reaches “tantrum level 8”, then that will become the new threshold for that behavior. As your child tries to understand what variables can lead to them getting the outcome they want, this behavior will continue to escalate. It will take longer for your child to learn the desired and necessary skill of self-regulation if it is not addressed consistently.
It is perfectly normal for a child to go from full on melt-down to calm and collected in 30 seconds. It is also normal for tantrums to last an extended amount of time especially when other factors are involved (i.e.. hungry, tired, or overstimulated). While these might be reasons for the outburst, they do not dismiss or excuse the behavior.
If the tantrum is going on for an extended period, or you think these might be contributing factors, narrate these feelings for your child. “I see that you are frustrated, it has been a busy day, sometimes I need to take a moment too.” Or “You are probably feeling hungry I bet that is making this extra hard. Once you are ready to clean up your mess, then let’s get something to eat.” It’s important to do this after the child has worked through some of the initial feelings. There is no benefit to yelling calm words over a screaming child.
If their fire begins to simmer, use it as a moment to check in. “Once you are ready we can go play while we wait our turn for the truck.” or “Do you feel ready to go back to the playground to make sure _____ is okay?”
Another tactic is to distract. Offer a sip of cold water, start coloring, or pickup a book and start looking at it near your child. Once their attention shifts for a moment and they calm, then it is time to return to the consequences, “I see you are feeling better, are you ready to clean up your mess and then we can _______?”
If you think that your child is exceptional in their willfulness and you are not seeing any improvements in their ability to self regulate, then it is important to speak with your child’s pediatrician. They can support you in gathering more information and resources to help your child be successful. This may be particularly helpful if, the tantrums are frequent, long, or severe and your child is preschool age or older.
Tantrums are inconvenient and they take time but regaining self-control and learning ways to self-sooth are important social-emotional skills. Hang in there and be consistent, you are doing a great job.